“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”: what’s wrong with this phrase
And why you shouldn’t live by such a motto.
From this article you will learn:
who came up with the famous phrase and what the author meant
whether the rule “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” works in psychology
why this motto is dangerous
what actually helps us grow during difficult experiences.
Who coined the phrase “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”?
The famous line comes from Friedrich Nietzsche, the provocative 19th-century German philosopher whose writings continue to influence psychology, existentialism, and modern motivational culture. Nietzsche loved sharp aphorisms short, powerful lines meant to provoke thought rather than serve as literal truths.
But what exactly Nietzsche meant by this phrase remains unclear. He never offered a step-by-step explanation, and his writings leave room for multiple interpretations.
One interpretation connects the quote to Nietzsche’s concept of the “Übermensch” often translated as “superman.” This ideal figure rises above conventional morality, lets go of societal expectations, abandons the need for approval, and creates a personal system of values. Such a person is not bound by fears, guilt, or external judgment. They transcend emotional comfort and cultivate absolute inner freedom.
Under this framework, suffering becomes a gateway to personal evolution. Facing conflict, loss, or pain could theoretically help a person break old patterns and discover a deeper, more resilient self.
But this philosophical idea was never meant to be a self-help slogan. Modern readers rarely consider Nietzsche’s metaphysical concepts about human evolution when quoting this phrase. Instead, the line is now used casually to encourage people going through stress, heartbreak, financial problems, illness, or trauma.
And here lies the problem: psychological science does not agree with the simplistic claim that surviving hardship automatically makes someone stronger.
What’s wrong with the phrase “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”?
From a psychological point of view, Nietzsche’s famous quote is not just inaccurate it’s potentially harmful. Human beings are not steel. Trauma does not automatically create resilience. In fact, the opposite is often true.
Research in clinical psychology consistently shows that many traumatic events leave long-lasting emotional, mental, and physical wounds.
Studies on survivors of natural disasters reveal that:
24% develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress within the first six months
28% experience depression
23% struggle with high anxiety
While PTSD may gradually lessen, depression and anxiety often persist for years and impact every aspect of a person’s life.
The consequences are even more severe for survivors of prolonged trauma such as domestic violence, childhood abuse, or toxic relationships. Even after leaving the harmful environment, survivors frequently experience:
chronic pain and persistent physical tension
sleep disruptions and nightmares
digestive disorders or appetite changes
migraines and hypertension
post-traumatic stress patterns
increased risks of heart disease
addictions to alcohol or substances
difficulty trusting others or forming new relationships
These are not signs of increased strength. They are the physiological and emotional outcomes of prolonged fear, suppression, and pain.
When Nietzsche’s quote is interpreted literally as encouraging people to tolerate suffering in the belief that it “builds character” it dismisses the reality of trauma’s long-term impact.
People who endure chronic stress at work eventually burn out. Those in emotionally abusive relationships often develop unstable self-esteem. Survivors of loss may withdraw into isolation or numb themselves through addictions. Trauma rarely strengthens automatically; it weakens, drains, and destabilizes.
“What doesn’t kill you” often does harm you quietly, deeply, and for a long time.
If anything, harmful experiences deplete the emotional resources that a person could otherwise invest in creativity, learning, relationships, or personal development. Pain does not always instruct. Sometimes it simply wounds.
Why you shouldn’t rely on this phrase in life
Author Terry Pratchett once playfully corrected Nietzsche:
“And what does kill us makes us dead.”
This humorous twist highlights the real problem. The modern interpretation of Nietzsche’s quote promotes several unhealthy beliefs:
that enduring suffering without help is noble
that failure is shameful
that asking for support means weakness
that pain is a requirement for personal growth
that strength is proven only by enduring hardship silently
These ideas fuel emotional suppression, avoidance of vulnerability, and a culture of “toughing it out” even when it is harmful.
Children raised by physically or emotionally abusive parents sometimes say, “They hit me, but I turned out fine.” They interpret their survival as proof that the abuse made them stronger instead of recognizing that they survived despite the abuse, not because of it.
This mindset can continue into adulthood:
“If pain built me, maybe pain builds others, too.”
And so cycles of violence and emotional coldness pass across generations.
A child who endured trauma may grow up to reject violence but not because it strengthened them. Rather, because they fought extremely hard to resist the damage.
Had they been raised in a loving environment, their energy would have been spent developing talents, joy, relationships, and confidence not survival.
The same logic applies to people who stay in toxic or narcissistic relationships. Emotional cruelty does not build resilience. It erodes trust, destroys self-esteem, and forces the victim to create emotional armor so thick that it hides their real identity.
Some individuals do find meaning, wisdom, or courage after suffering. However, this growth happens not because of the trauma, but because:
they had supportive relationships
they sought therapy
they had inner strength and hopeful beliefs
they processed their feelings
they created new meaning from the pain
Suffering itself is not a teacher. Reflection is. Support is. Healing is.
Pain is not inherently transformative. It can be destructive, numbing, confusing, and overwhelming. What transforms people is the recovery, not the injury.
You do not become stronger because suffering made you strong.
You become stronger because you survived something you never should have had to endure and then chose to grow beyond it.
What actually makes us strong during difficult experiences
Strength does not appear automatically after hardship. It grows through very specific psychological conditions:
supportive relationships
compassionate listening
therapy and guidance
a sense of purpose
self-reflection
healthy coping strategies
community
self-worth
stability and safety
Here is what truly helps people grow through difficulty:
Support from loved ones
Resilience increases dramatically when a person is surrounded by empathy, encouragement, and emotional safety.
Professional help
Therapy helps people process fear, grief, shame, and pain instead of letting those emotions rot inside.
Self-awareness and reflection
Insight turns suffering into understanding, not the suffering itself.
Gentle self-compassion
Being kind to yourself lowers stress hormones, increases emotional stability, and accelerates healing.
Connection to values
Reflecting on purpose, meaning, and identity helps a person recover and rebuild.
Healthy coping mechanisms
Movement, creative expression, journaling, breathwork, grounding, or nature help discharge emotional tension safely.
Choice and agency
Healing is easier when people feel even a small sense of control over their lives.
In other words, strength comes not from trauma but from recovery.
Not from pain but from healing.
Not from destruction but from rebuilding.
People do not become better because something hurt them.
They become better because they worked through the pain and used inner resilience that already existed.
There is no need to romanticize suffering.
You don’t owe gratitude to trauma.
If anything, you deserve gratitude for surviving something that could have broken you.