How to discuss with your partner the pace that suits you both.
“Almost a year has passed since a bad breakup, and during that time I’ve really enjoyed being single. I recently met a wonderful guy who’s in too much of a rush: he wants to move in together, get married, and so on. I like him, but his pressure is intimidating. Talking isn’t getting me anywhere. What should I do?”
This is a reader question. You can also write to us about your concerns—we’ll do our best to find a specialist and prepare an answer.
From this article you will learn:
- What is relationship pressure and why does it occur ?
- Why people can put pressure on each other in relationships;
- Why labels hinder real relationships;
- how to distinguish emotional pressure from a desire for intimacy;
- How to talk honestly about your feelings and needs.
What is “relationship pressure”?
Feeling pressure in a relationship is a subjective feeling of discomfort that arises when the pace of development seems too fast. In this article, we’re talking about relationships where one partner wants to move in together, have kids, and build a future, while the other feels anxious but can’t figure out why.
Often, the pressure isn’t accompanied by shouting or direct demands. Rather, it creates a sense that the space for personal choice is shrinking. Sometimes, attempts to slow down are met with silence or distance.
It seemed like no one was shouting, pressuring, or threatening. But there was a feeling as if the air in the house had grown thicker. This is that silent pressure. Because it contains a hidden hint of power: “If you insist on having your way, I’ll disappear. But if you obey, maybe I’ll stay.”
It’s important to remember: pressure can be manipulative , but it’s not always a cause for intense anxiety or a violent reaction. Often, such situations can be calmly discussed, mutual understanding can be established, and a pace can be agreed upon.
But often, a pressuring partner backs the other into a corner, controls them, and ignores their needs. And any attempts to discuss the situation lead to arguments. Then, healthy intimacy becomes difficult to talk about.
Pressure is often caused by the so-called illusion of destiny , which can arise at the very beginning of a relationship. It’s accompanied by intense emotional tension: sleepless nights, constant texting, the feeling that “this is the one.”
According to attachment research (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016), intense affect during the bonding phase activates automatic response patterns shaped by previous experiences—for example, childhood. The partner begins to be perceived as inappropriately significant—as an object of fusion, hope, or salvation.
A quick intimacy may well be mutual and sincere, but if partners lack the skills to regulate the rhythm, the speed of development of the relationship may overheat the contact.
Example. Katya and Vova met by chance, and within a week they were texting each other until late at night, sharing childhood memories, plans, and playlists. It was all real, but too fast. When Vova suddenly disappeared for a day, Katya’s stomach clenched. And he returned with the words, “Sorry, it just all happened so quickly.” They truly had a good time, but they both forgot that even intimacy requires slowing down sometimes to avoid getting burned.
The same behavioral style may seem caring to some and pressure to others. The context and type of attachment a particular person is prone to are important.
How Feeling Pressure in Relationships Depends on Attachment Type
People with anxious attachment tend to seek fusion, fear rejection, and may perceive even neutral cues as a threat of rupture. People with avoidant attachment, on the other hand, fear intrusion and may perceive attempts at closeness as pressure.
In a 2001 paper, psychologists Susan Johnson, Judy Makinen, and John Millikin explained the difference in perceptions of approach dynamics as follows:
“An anxious-avoidant pendulum is a phenomenon in a couple where avoidant people withdraw from emotional intimacy, which leads to anxious partners seeking confirmation of feelings, maintaining a cycle of approach and avoidance.”
This creates a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal within the couple , undermining the stability of the relationship. This is followed by a decline in satisfaction with the relationship. And this can occur not only in the “usual” scenario, where the woman is anxious and the man is avoidant.
Example. Sasha writes to Inna: “When will we talk? I need to understand what’s wrong with us.” She reads, but remains silent. He writes again. She stops responding.
Inna isn’t cold or cruel—she’s simply afraid of intimacy. When emotions become overwhelming, she wants to turn off her phone rather than deal with it. She’s been like this since childhood; her mother always said, “Don’t whine, figure it out yourself.”
Sasha, for his part, is afraid of losing the connection. For him, silence is a punishment, and he begins to press: asking, persuading, insisting. He’s not manipulating—he’s anxious. She’s not a narcissist—she’s avoidant.
Together, they create an anxious-avoidant pendulum . Both are vulnerable, both feel pressure. Just in different ways.
This rhythm can lead to misunderstandings and tension because everyone’s needs remain unmet. To overcome this, it’s important to communicate openly about your feelings and needs .
Without dialogue, it’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of resentment and mistrust. It’s also important to respect each other’s personal boundaries: sometimes you need to give yourself and your partner space to keep the relationship healthy.
But even here, a trap often arises. We try to understand why our partner behaves the way they do, and often come to a simple, but not always accurate, conclusion: “He rushes me and gets offended—that means he’s a narcissist, a tyrant, a manipulator, a toxic person . “
Is it really that clear-cut? Spoiler: no. Let’s figure it out.
Are all people who abuse others in relationships narcissists and tyrants?
In popular psychology today, almost one in three people is a “covert narcissist.” Unfortunately, the trend toward narcissists and the attribution of all relationship problems solely through attachment style actually hinders conflict resolution.
Pressure (when a partner rushes things, demands intimacy, is jealous, or resents distance) is n’t always a sign of personality disorder . It’s often a reaction to anxiety, fear of losing control, feelings of abandonment, or simply emotional immaturity.
Sometimes it’s so scary to admit, “Something’s wrong,” that we resort to the “He has an anxious attachment, he’s just afraid of losing me—I need to be patient” mentality. Or the opposite: “She rushes me, controls me, demands me, gets offended—well, that’s it, classic narcissist.”
It’s natural for us to seek explanations. To want to put things in order, to be helpful, to save. But before dissecting other people’s personality patterns, it’s worth stopping and asking yourself:
- Am I calm now?
- Can I be myself in such circumstances?
- Do I want to slow down because I’m being pressured or because I don’t want the relationship to develop in principle?
Let’s remember: what one person sees as concern, another may perceive as pressure.
People really are different. That’s why it’s so important to distinguish between intimacy and pressure—and to understand where your personal line between the two lies.
How to distinguish emotional pressure from a desire for intimacy
Your partner may be making perfectly understandable, normal moves: proposing a move, asking questions about the future, talking about their feelings. But suddenly, anxiety starts to click inside: “It’s too soon,” “It’s too fast,” “We want different things.”
Sometimes we truly aren’t ready for intimacy. Or for life with another—not a dream or a fantasy, but with a living, breathing person. This is perhaps one of the most agonizing questions: “Maybe they’re not pressuring us, and it’s me who’s always doubting, running away, and ruining the relationship myself?”
The body often turns out to be an honest advisor in relationships: it quickly reacts to situations and sends important signals, even when the mind tries to ignore them.
Before answering the questions below, listen to your feelings: are you comfortable around your partner, or is something causing tension and discomfort.
- Does your body want to run away, but your heart wants to stay? Perhaps you’re feeling anxious and afraid of intimacy.
- Does your body relax when you imagine it all ending? Perhaps you simply don’t want to go any further—and that’s okay, too.
Let’s move on to the five questions. Try to understand whether your feelings are closer to a positive or negative answer.
1. Can you calmly say “I’m not ready” and remain safe?
- Yes → They hear you, don’t rush you, and ask how you feel.
- No → After an honest admission of unreadiness, you experience resentment, pressure, distancing, and the feeling that you have broken everything.
2. Do you feel like you have a choice?
- Yes → You can go at your own pace, without fear of being abandoned.
- No → It’s like you’re constantly taking an exam to find a “good enough” partner.
3. Is there room for a break in your relationship?
- Yes → Relationships breathe – you can slow down, rest, think.
- No → Everything is happening like in a fast-forward movie, and trying to slow things down is fraught with scandal.
4. Do you understand what you want in a relationship, or are you just acting out someone else’s scenario?
- Yes → You voice what is important to you, even if you are scared.
- No → It’s as if everything is going according to someone else’s plan, and you’re only agreeing to avoid offending them and becoming “inconvenient.”
5. After communicating with your partner, do you still respect yourself?
- Yes → Even in difficult conversations, you stay on your side.
- No → Every time you leave the dialogue with a feeling of guilt, shame or anxiety.
If your answer to any of these questions is no, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is bad or hopeless: it may still be within normal limits.
The key is to not ignore your feelings or gloss over any discomfort. If it’s difficult to discuss it directly with your partner, start by talking to loved ones—friends or family. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help you see the situation in a new light and find the strength to take the next step toward improving your relationship.
How to talk honestly about your feelings and needs
Sometimes it feels like you need to “explain everything correctly”—to avoid offending, losing, or destroying someone. But it’s important to remember: you have the right to not be ready for change. No excuses, no labels, no self-criticism.
Let’s outline the steps that will help you get out of the abyss of doubts about the speed of relationship development .
Step One: Bring the Focus Back on Yourself
Even if you want to explain away someone else’s behavior (“She has anxious attachment,” “He’s just afraid of being alone”), it doesn’t always help. Something else is far more important:
- “What do I do with this?”
- “What do I feel when I’m under pressure?”
- “What can and am I willing to do to maintain and develop the relationship?”
Don’t make someone else’s pain your responsibility. You’re not a therapist, but a living person with your own pain and experiences. And you have a right to them, too.
Step two: Discuss the tempo with your partner
Here’s what can be said:
- “It’s important for me to go slowly. It’s not because of you, not because you’re a bad person, it’s just about my comfortable pace.”
- “I sense that you want to get closer. I need a little more time. How does that make you feel?”
- “When you talk about the future, I get anxious. I don’t want to lie to you—let’s talk at a pace we’re both comfortable with.”
Remember: you have the right to be uncomfortable and say “no” without fear of rejection. Even if there are no arguments other than emotions and feelings, that’s okay. In such conversations, you’re not distancing yourself, but building a bridge.
Step three: see a psychologist
This is necessary in the following cases:
- you are constantly afraid of losing your partner when you talk about your needs ;
- you confuse “being kind” with “being patient”;
- After talking with a loved one, you often feel bad rather than calm;
- You can’t tell where your guilt ends and someone else’s responsibility begins .
Sometimes it’s easy to feel lost and alone in a relationship. But you’re not alone. Many people experience doubts, anxiety, and a feeling that “something’s not right,” even when everything seems fine on the surface . It’s important not to isolate yourself from this. Talking to a therapist, getting support from friends, and reading relevant materials—all of these can help break the cycle and get back to yourself.
There’s no need to demonize your partner or yourself. Relationships are a process, not a diagnosis. We each have our own habits, fears, and patterns, and that’s normal. The most important thing is to not betray your own feelings. And if you feel like you’re struggling, that your pace isn’t being respected, that you’re constantly tense, that’s already a compelling reason to listen to yourself and prioritize your feelings and desires.