The dangers of low self-esteem and how a parent can become a support system that helps a child believe in themselves.
From this article you will learn:
- What are the specifics of teenage self-esteem?
- How low self-esteem manifests itself in a teenager;
- What are the causes of low self-esteem?
- What are the consequences of low self-esteem?
- How to strengthen a teenager’s self-esteem.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is a person’s assessment of themselves, their capabilities, qualities, and their place among others. It determines how we perceive ourselves and how we act accordingly, what we decide to do and what we avoid. In other words, self-esteem is the most important regulator of our behavior.
So, with adequate self-esteem, a person sets realistic goals and achieves them. With low self-esteem, they don’t set goals and think, “I can’t handle it anyway.” With high self -esteem, they take on the impossible, fail, and lose motivation.
And also self-esteem:
- sets the reaction to success and failure , which determines how we experience criticism and mistakes;
- influences relationships with people , helping to build boundaries and not dissolve in friends and loved ones;
- works as an internal compass , orienting a person to his values, and not just to the opinions of others;
- reflects the state of mental health (for example, unstable self-esteem often goes hand in hand with anxiety, depression and addictions).
According to the World Health Organization’s 2020 data , one in four adolescents worldwide reports frequently experiencing feelings of loneliness and worthlessness, which are also directly linked to self-esteem.
How self-esteem is formed
A person’s self-esteem develops throughout life:
- in early childhood, the first sense of self arises through the love and care of parents;
- Preschool age teaches us to understand what is good and what is bad, and also gives us the ability to compare ourselves with others;
- In younger students, self-esteem is associated with success in studies and friendships;
- During adolescence, self-esteem becomes multifaceted and very vulnerable, the child begins to have doubts and worries about himself , and the opinions of peers, assessment of appearance and social status come to the fore;
- In youth , self-confidence and self-acceptance gradually come, a person learns to rely on his own values, and not just on the opinions of others.
During adolescence, the self-image begins to take shape. A person begins to ask questions: “Who am I? What am I like? Do others like me? Can I be loved for who I am?”
The answers to these questions depend heavily on how the teenager is seen and evaluated by those around him—especially by peers and adults who are significant to the teenager.
Teenagers often take any criticism very seriously. Even a casual remark (“Why are you dressed like a nerd!” or “You always ruin everything”) can leave a mark for years to come.
The thing is that during this period, self-esteem is still unstable ; it seems to be assembled from pieces: the opinions of friends, the reactions of parents, school grades, appearance in the mirror and its correspondence to the ideal from social networks.
How low self-esteem manifests itself in teenagers
Teenagers in general tend to have feelings of inferiority that greatly undermine their self-esteem.
A sense of inferiority is a painful, persistent feeling that something is wrong with you, that you’re inferior to others, not good enough, unworthy of love, recognition, or success. It can be vague (“I’m somehow different”) or specific (“I’m stupid,” “I’m ugly,” “Nobody will love me”). These thoughts also manifest as low self-esteem.
Here are some specific behavioral manifestations of low self-esteem in a teenager:
- often compares himself to others to his disadvantage ;
- is afraid to try something new , says: “I won’t succeed anyway”;
- avoids situations where he can be evaluated (performances, competitions, new acquaintances);
- often devalues his successes (“I was just lucky”, “It was easy”, “Anyone could have done it”);
- overly sensitive to criticism, spends a long time going over mistakes in his head;
- has difficulty accepting compliments, does not believe in praise ;
- tends to adapt in order to please or not interfere;
- he is rude, withdraws, and distances himself, trying to protect himself from internal shame.
Furthermore, low self-esteem can be indicated by alternating displays of anxiety and aggression in behavior. And no matter how low self-esteem may be outwardly expressed, inside, adolescents with this problem have a persistent feeling: “I’m not what I should be.”
Why do teenagers have low self-esteem?
- Firstly , teenagers’ self-esteem often fluctuates between highs and lows, and this is normal. Teenagers are looking for something to believe in and rely on, but they don’t yet have a clear set of beliefs . This can easily lead to feelings of “not being right” and self-doubt.
- Secondly , adolescence is a period of dramatic change . Appearance, body, voice, interests—everything changes, and teenagers don’t have time to adapt. They literally don’t recognize themselves, which is frightening, and their self-confidence and self-esteem plummet.
- Thirdly , the opinions of others are extremely important to teenagers . Self-esteem becomes a mirror image: it depends on friends’ approval, social media likes, and parents’ reactions. The slightest ridicule can become an internal tragedy and plunge one’s self-image to the bottom.
- Fourth , teenagers often face criticism and pressure. School grades, parental comments, the constant “Be better”—children hear this as “You’re not good enough,” and their self-esteem plummets again.
- Fifth , traumatic experiences often arise by this age. Humiliation, bullying, family indifference, parental divorce—all of these are deeply damaging, especially at an age when the personality is still developing. And such wounds also leave their mark on the child’s self-image, and therefore affect self-esteem.
- And sixth , teenagers constantly compare themselves to others . The growing influence of the digital environment is a key factor in these comparisons. Who is prettier, more successful, more popular? Almost always, it’s not me.
According to 2019 data from Common Sense Media , teenagers spend an average of 7 hours and 22 minutes a day on screens outside of school. This time is primarily spent on social media, where teenagers are constantly exposed to carefully curated, airbrushed images of others. This reinforces self-criticism and creates a distorted self-perception.
Psychologist and researcher Jean Twenge also writes that with the advent of smartphones after 2012, the sharp increase in time spent online coincided with a rise in anxiety and depression and a decline in self-esteem in teenagers.
What are the signs and consequences of low self-esteem in teenagers?
Low self-esteem in adolescence is associated with increased anxiety, social difficulties, and the risk of depression.
The consequences may not only manifest immediately. Short-term effects include academic problems and conflicts with friends. Long-term effects include an increased risk of depression, career difficulties, and relationship problems. Therefore, it’s important for parents to recognize everyday manifestations of low self-esteem so they can support their child and prevent negative consequences.
Let’s imagine Lena, an intelligent and friendly woman. She has an excellent education and works in a prestigious office, but she constantly feels out of place. She’s shy about expressing her ideas and doesn’t ask for a raise. Yet, her colleagues respect her, and her boss has repeatedly hinted that it’s time to “step up” and lead projects herself.
Lena turns to a psychologist, and it turns out that in adolescence:
- the girl heard a lot of criticism from her parents: “Don’t be smart,” “Don’t show off,” “You won’t succeed”;
- She was very quiet, she was often interrupted and not listened to at school;
- I received a lot of criticism, so I learned to be “easy.”
This instilled in Lena the following attitudes: “I’m not good enough,” “It’s better not to stick my neck out,” “If I make a mistake, it will be shameful and scary.”
As a result, today’s adult Lena is afraid to take initiative, devalues her successes, and chooses “safe” roles instead of ambitious ones , even though she has enough abilities for success.
How to support a teenager and strengthen their self-esteem
It’s crucial for a teenager to have a supportive environment for development. Try to help your child find such a “foundation” among their peers: encourage their interests and aspirations, and create opportunities for interaction with peers.
Here are six more steps to stabilizing teenage self-esteem.
Step one
Recognize that self-esteem is not a character trait, but an evolving characteristic.
Adolescent self-esteem is fragile and fluid. Every experience, every adult reaction, either nourishes a sense of support or drains it.
Step two
Talk to your child in a way that makes him feel: “I am not broken.”
What doesn’t work is: “You’re just lazy!” or “You could try harder if you wanted to.” Teenagers with low self-esteem are already constantly criticizing themselves; they don’t need any additional pressure.
But this works: “It seems like you’re having a hard time right now, and I want to understand what exactly is stopping you,” “You’re trying, and that’s already a step.”
Step three
Celebrate effort and interest, not results.
Doesn’t work: “Did you get an A?”
It works: “You prepared so much—how do you feel afterward?”, “What new things did you learn?” These questions develop internal motivation: “I am valuable when I try, not just when I win.”
Step four
Respect boundaries and be there
It doesn’t work: invading with interrogations whenever you want.
What works: Offer support gently and consistently. Good phrases: “I’m here if you want to talk, even if you don’t know how to start yet” and “You can come to me with more than just good news.”
Step five
Give children the opportunity to choose and try
It’s important for teenagers to gain experience in influencing their own lives. This fosters a sense of “I can do it.” For example, let them choose their own club or extracurricular activity, negotiate a comfortable time for extracurricular activities with their teacher, organize their own wardrobe, and set a cleaning schedule for their own room.
Step six
Don’t be afraid to say you’re proud of your child.
Even if your child brushes it off, they’ll still hear you. Be specific: “I liked how you calmly talked to your brother—it wasn’t easy.” “You didn’t give up, even though it was tough—I see that and admire it.”
There are also cases when professional help is essential. If a teenager is constantly anxious, isolates themselves from others, and actively displays aggression , it might be worth consulting a psychologist.
It’s important to remember that a child is part of the family system, so the parent’s involvement in problem-solving is also important . Ask your therapist whether family therapy, where all family members are present, or individual therapy for the parent might be helpful.
In particular, family therapy helps:
- restore trust and contact between the child and parents;
- set up boundaries and roles (who is responsible for what, who (doesn’t) hear whom);
- to see that the teenager is not a problem, but a bearer of a signal that there are difficulties in the family as a whole.
Sometimes parents expect their child to achieve what they themselves have failed to achieve. In such cases, individual therapy is necessary for the parent, especially if they grew up in a critical and unsafe home and are unable to communicate with their child without control or pressure. Or they are afraid of making mistakes and are overly concerned about their child.
Adolescents’ self-esteem is shaped by their environment, and family is a crucial part of that environment. Strengthening a child’s self-esteem can begin with small steps— support, praise, and helping them grow . Most importantly, self-esteem grows when a teenager is taken seriously, the good in them is seen, and imperfections are allowed.