It seems like just yesterday your child was sweet and open, but now they’ve become rude and reserved. Is this normal, and how can you maintain trust? A psychologist explains.
Family and crisis psychologist and PhD candidate Alina Erbegeeva explains what a trusting relationship with a teenager entails and why it’s needed .
From this article you will learn:
- What is a trusting relationship and why is it important between parents and a teenager;
- What are trusting relationships and when do they arise ?
- in what matters should you trust your teenager unconditionally, and in what matters should you control him ;
- Is it possible to punish teenagers and have conflicts with them?
Trusting Relationships with Teenagers: What Are They and Are They Necessary?
Trusting relationships are honest ones in which people are able to communicate openly and express their emotions—without manipulation, blackmail, or threats. Moreover, in such relationships, people can express both positive emotions and those commonly considered negative—grief, sadness, anger, and so on.
Trust between teenagers and their parents is the basis for successful socialization and emotional well-being.
What is a trusting relationship?
Trusting relationships (not just with teenagers) involve two interrelated aspects: trust in a person’s reliability and the ability to share secrets. American psychologists Jean and Robert Bayard, authors of “Your Anxious Teen,” argue that a trusting relationship with a teenager is only possible when both parties understand their own rights and responsibilities and respect each other’s rights and responsibilities:
- Parents give teenagers enough freedom, but gradually transfer control over their lives to them.
- Teenagers may be confident in their parents’ love and support, but they also understand that parents have their own needs and are not obligated to provide their children with the most comfortable conditions.
When trusting relationships arise
Trusting relationships between a child and parents develop throughout a child’s life, not at any specific time. According to British psychoanalyst John Bowlby’s attachment theory, described in his book “Attachment,” from birth to eighteen months, a person develops an attachment to the adult who cares for them, thus establishing a foundation of trust.
“An infant’s attachment is formed around certain key milestones. A need arises, and the child proclaims it: ‘I’m hungry.’ The mother responds to this cry and arranges for this need to be met. Then the child begins to explore the world, and the mother tells them what is safe and what is not. And thus, a trusting relationship is gradually built. The child knows for sure that when he returns home from a walk or from preschool, he will be safe.
Then things get more complicated—school starts, new authorities appear, friends and enemies. But it’s still important for a child to know that when they return home, they will be accepted and understood, even if they’ve misbehaved or dyed their hair green.”
How can parents maintain a trusting relationship with their teenager?
A trusting relationship requires trust from both sides, so parents must show their child that they trust them:
- Making choices and taking responsibility for those choices—who to be friends with, what to do, what profession to choose.
- Make mistakes. You can’t teach a child anything from someone else’s mistakes. Remember when you were a teenager.
- Experience different emotions, express them, and not suppress them.
- Conduct a dialogue, conflict.
- Reinforce your boundaries, but make sure they don’t infringe on others’. Teenagers are developing as individuals and growing apart from their parents. And secrets are one of the first signs of separation.
The difficulty is that parents are responsible for their child’s health, education, upbringing, and safety. Therefore, it’s important to clearly understand the line between trust and permissiveness. Parents must:
- Know when and with whom your son or daughter communicates. Limit online interactions, especially at night—keep your child’s phone charging in your bedroom.
- Discuss rules for safe behavior online and offline.
- Monitor the daily routine to ensure the child eats properly, gets enough sleep, and gets plenty of fresh air.
- Provide support if something is not going well with studies or in relationships with friends.
- Do not humiliate or criticize.
- Establish rules of conduct and boundaries that should not be crossed. For example: “In our home, we don’t use foul language, we communicate with respect, and we only eat in the kitchen…”
- Communicate not on the run, but at a special time when you can calmly discuss important issues, consult, or just laugh.
Is it possible to punish teenagers?
Punishment is part of the educational process, but it should not be a tool for humiliation or suppression of the child’s initiative or will, but rather a tool for correcting unacceptable behavior. In other words, it is not an exercise of parental authority, but rather a means of assistance. Punishment should be:
- Consistent: if you make a mistake, you inevitably get punished. If a teenager breaks the agreement—comes home at 10:30 instead of 10:00 PM, for example—and their parents ignore it, they’ll be less responsive to their instructions.
- Fair—the punishment should be on the same level as the offense. If a teenager is late from a party, you could ban them from attending parties with friends for a while.
Should you confront your teenager?
Conflicts always arise in human relationships. They shouldn’t be feared; they can very well become a source of growth. A parent’s job isn’t to forbid their child from contradicting them, but to set an example of civilized conflict, where both parties listen to each other and try to resolve it to their mutual benefit. Here’s what not to do during a conflict:
- Shout, insult the opponent.
- To intimidate.
- Devaluing the feelings and opinions of the other party.
- Leaving the conflict unresolved. Don’t pretend nothing happened or give the silent treatment: problems won’t resolve themselves. If tensions become very high in the conversation, take a break until things calm down and then discuss the situation again calmly.