And break through apathy and the feeling of meaninglessness of life.
From this article you will learn:
- What are feelings and why do we sometimes lose contact with them?
- how to recognize your feelings and decipher them;
- How to understand that feelings are not lying ;
- Why it is important to understand how you feel.
What are feelings?
Feelings are signals that help us understand what’s happening to us and how to respond to events. For example:
- fear suggests that there is danger;
- sadness – that we have lost something;
- joy – that something important and valuable is happening;
- anger – that our boundaries have been violated.
There was a period in the history of psychology when feelings were considered secondary. For example, at the beginning of the 20th century, behaviorism came to the forefront of psychological science; its adherents believed that only human behavior , not feelings and thoughts, should be studied.
Then rationality came into fashion, and attention shifted to thinking—the cognitive approach flourished. How and what we think , our attitudes, logic, and cognitive biases became important . Emotions, bodily reactions, and intuitive self-knowledge—all these remained largely unaddressed for a long time.
Finally, thanks to humanistic psychology and body-oriented therapy, feelings began to be taken seriously.
Today we know: without contact with emotions, a person loses their bearings. You can be smart, disciplined, successful—and still not understand why you live and what’s wrong with you.
In modern psychology, emotional intelligence, psycho-emotional stability, and self-awareness are at the forefront. People have come to believe that understanding one’s feelings is the key to maturity and resilience, not weakness and sentimentality.
Why you might have trouble understanding your feelings
We all have moments when we’re exhausted, we don’t feel like doing anything, and inside, it’s a mess. On the outside, everything seems fine: work is going on, things are getting done, you can even talk to someone. But inside, it’s empty, heavy, or anxious. And most importantly, you don’t know what’s happening to you.
Most likely, at this moment there are specific feelings , they are just not recognized and can be drowned out by fatigue or hidden behind automatic settings (“I have to hold on”).
The reasons why your emotions are hidden from you are often associated with psychological defenses, upbringing characteristics, traumatic experiences, and environmental pressures —the conditions in which we live every day.
Let’s talk about each of these factors in more detail.
How psychological defenses prevent us from recognizing our feelings
The psyche has a built-in mechanism that limits emotions that are too strong or uncomfortable at the moment. These are psychological defenses .
We don’t consciously choose them—they activate automatically to maintain stability. For example, a person might not feel grief after a loss because they’ve switched to other activities and worries. Or they might suddenly become angry when they’re actually scared. Or they might not even realize anything is happening—they might just feel a lump in their throat, insomnia, or apathy.
How childhood experiences influence the ability to feel
We develop ways of processing feelings and interacting with our emotions in childhood. Children learn the “correct” actions in response to any experiences that seem strange. This leads to the development of behavioral strategies and the formation of emotional intelligence .
“Don’t be angry,” “don’t cry,” “don’t feel, think”—these attitudes are often passed on by parents in an attempt to protect their child or raise them “correctly.” As a result, the child learns to suppress emotions, considering them wrong, dangerous, or shameful .
And if, as a child, there weren’t adults around who named and accepted feelings (“You’re scared,” “You’re angry—that’s normal”), a person simply doesn’t have the words or skills to describe what they’re experiencing as an adult. They may feel tension, anxiety, or heaviness, but they may not be able to label it as sadness or anger.
How traumatic experiences affect the ability to feel
When something is too painful, scary, or shameful, the psyche can shut down feeling in order to survive. This usually happens in cases of serious trauma: experiencing violence, losing a loved one, or being forced to move .
But sometimes even seemingly “invisible” episodes have a strong impact on the psyche: being shunned by parents or classmates, being rejected by first love, or being forced to feel shame for a misdeed.
Then a “freeze” kicks in: feelings seem to vanish, no longer registering in the mind, but still residing somewhere deep within the body. As a result, a seemingly healthy and happy person suffers from chronic fatigue, an inexplicable heaviness in the chest, or headaches.
How the habit of “running away into our heads” prevents us from feeling
The digital age generally prioritizes reason over emotion. We live in a world that values speed of thought, analytics, and productivity. We’re constantly immersed in thoughts, tasks, plans, and notifications, and we perceive our bodies as instruments whose sole purpose is to carry our brains to our workstations.
Gradually, the rush of work wears us out of noticing what’s inside. We get tired, but we don’t realize it. We get angry, but we habitually “keep ourselves in check.” We worry, but we think it’s simply because of the sheer number of deadlines and plans.
There’s no time to stop and notice your emotions, because a pause is an unaffordable luxury . Another email, another task, another day of feeling like you’re living on autopilot —and life ends up passing you by.
The longer this goes on, the harder it is to return to yourself. And the higher the risk of pushing yourself to the point where the accumulated unprocessed feelings become so overwhelming that neither your body nor your psyche can bear the burden.
How to recognize your feelings
Sometimes it seems like there are no feelings. But that’s not entirely true. The psyche speaks to us, just not always directly. If you can’t immediately name a feeling, you can listen to how it manifests itself. Below is not a one-size-fits-all guide, but rather a gentle hint on how to try to be a little more mindful with yourself.
The first thing you need to do is stop. At least for a minute, to feel: “I am here now. I am breathing. I am alive.” Without this pause, your feelings won’t catch up with you: they are slower than your thoughts.
Here are some “languages” in which the inner world can communicate something:
- at the body level , you may feel a lump in your throat, tension in your jaw, heaviness in your chest, fatigue that doesn’t go away after sleep, or an accelerated heartbeat for no apparent reason;
- at the behavioral level, you may notice a desire to go home and hide there, not go out unnecessarily, lie down and do nothing – or, on the contrary, an impulse to suddenly yell at loved ones, quarrel with everyone, make a scandal out of a trifle;
- at a subconscious level , strange dreams may arise where you are stuck in a labyrinth, feel confused or anxious, or you may catch yourself frequently fantasizing in the spirit of “I wish I could run away to another country so that no one would find me”;
- On a perceptual level , you might feel like everything is irritating you. Everyone is driving you crazy, someone said one careless word, and inside, you’re seething with rage.
In addition, the psyche speaks to us during internal dialogues.
“I’m weak,” “Nobody needs me,” “I’m always ignored” – often such thoughts are caused by emotions that have not been noticed: loneliness, pain, shame, fear.
If you listen to yourself, your feelings gradually begin to manifest more clearly. It’s as if you’re tuning a receiver and picking up a wave of signals from yourself.
How to decipher your feelings
It’s not always immediately clear what to do when you start feeling something—through your body, dreams, behavior, or internal utterances. Emotions can seem blurred, confused, and frightening. You want to either quickly fix them or hide from them.
To avoid getting lost and to figure things out, you can use this four-step algorithm.
Step one: Try to name what you feel
Find a word. Even if the first thing that comes to mind is “I don’t know,” that’s already an answer. Sometimes it helps to start with something simple: anger, sadness, fear, joy. Don’t look for the perfect—look for the closest. When words just don’t work, open your emotion map and try out all the possible options.
Step two: ask yourself what is behind the feeling
Once you’ve named the feeling, don’t rush to move on. Try to linger with it for a bit and ask yourself a few clarifying questions. Sometimes the initial feeling is just the surface, while underneath lies something deeper:
- If you are angry , maybe you are in pain ?
- If you are worried , maybe you are missing something ?
- What do you really want right now?
- What scares or hurts you?
- What or who do you think of when this feeling arises?
Step three: give the feeling room
Don’t dismiss it right away; there’s no need to “fix” the feeling. Just be with it: yes, it hurts, yes, I’m angry . Yes, I’m scared. Saying this to yourself is already a huge step. You haven’t turned away; you’ve stayed close to yourself.
Sometimes, all it takes to feel better is just sitting in silence, feeling your breath, and letting go of your muscles. Your body will tell you what it needs: curl up, tap your pillow, or cry.
Remember: crying is not a weakness.
Tears are a natural way to process emotion. It’s not about “breaking down,” but about not suppressing your feelings for the first time. Sometimes, this can feel like relief—like something inside you is defrosting.
Step four: make sure your feelings aren’t lying
To understand whether your feelings are true, ask yourself: Why am I feeling this? Am I reacting to reality or to my desires? Intuition is often correct, but compare it with facts—people’s actions or events.
If your feelings are stable and consistent with reality, you can trust them. But if they seem strong but aren’t supported by facts, be cautious .
An honest conversation with yourself or the advice of a loved one can help separate truth from illusion. For example, a momentary, accidental crush can seem like a lifelong destiny. But beyond feelings and words, it’s important to consider the other person’s behavior and actions. If your partner humiliates you, regularly breaks agreements, and resorts to violence, you can’t rely solely on feelings of love.
Why is it important to decipher your feelings?
Let’s look at some of the most typical situations in which awareness of feelings radically changes the situation.
- Decoding your feelings helps you separate anger from pain: “I’m constantly irritated with my husband, I get angry over trivial things. But when I stopped and asked myself what I was really feeling, I realized I just feel very lonely around him . I’m angry because I’m hurt.” After such a dialogue with yourself, you’ll be able to avoid arguing and instead talk to your husband—not with reproaches, but by sharing your vulnerability.
- Decoding one’s feelings helps distinguish fatigue from sadness: “I thought I was just tired from work. But when I sat down in silence, I realized: I haven’t felt joy in a long time. It’s not fatigue—it’s sadness that I’m not living the way I want.” This is how a person comes to the conclusion that a vacation won’t help and that changes are needed not in their schedule, but in their life.
- Decoding your feelings helps separate awkwardness from shame and anxiety: “I used to say I felt awkward going to parties because of my appearance. And then I realized: I’m afraid to show who I really am . I’m afraid of not being accepted. It’s not about awkwardness, but about anxiety and shame.” When a person understands this, they stop berating themselves and start seeking out people with whom they feel truly comfortable being themselves.
Every step towards feeling is a step towards oneself.
To a living, real, feeling self. Not an ideal self, but a real one. One you can trust. Because when you understand what’s happening to you, it becomes easier to breathe, clearer to choose, and warmer to live.